I Am Afraid

As most people tend to be around the New Year, I was very contemplative this past December 31st. We were staying at my mom's house so I snuck away to the guest bedroom as the kids were fully occupied in the abundance of their grandparents' love.

I thought. I prayed. I wrote. I tried to write some goals. Some lists. Some things on paper that I should set out to do this year. But I was paralyzed. I realized I was afraid. So afraid. What if I wrote something down that I didn't end up accomplishing? Or worse, what if I wasn't good at what I was setting out to do?

Being a mostly stay-at-home-mom, so much of what I do is maintenance. The day-to-day mundane. I have many goals, but they are very small and very accomplish-able (if that's even a word). Laundry- easy. Dinner- of course. Lots of playing and reading with kiddos- a pleasure! Most of the time it's easy to feel accomplished in this minutia, so I just haven't thought big-picture in the past 4 years since I became a Mama. I think I'm just used to survival mode. If I accomplish 3 things thoughout my day without neglecting my children too much, that's a WIN! 

With that said, stepping out of the things I know I can do and accomplish just plain scares me. And it wasn't until that day that I finally admitted to myself: I. Am. Afraid. 

So what now? Well, I let some tears roll, you can be sure of that. And I kept thinking of a verse in 1 John:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18 NIV

The Message says it like this:

There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. 

Hmmm... So being a 'faidy cat doesn't sound very appealing. 

Am I letting God's love banish my fear? Or am I being crippled?

Am I made perfect in God's love? Or am I not fully formed?

The good news is, I get to choose. I can choose to become well-formed in Christ's love and drive out that fear. I can choose to embrace my imperfections and failures and the fact that I'm NOT God and be made perfect in HIM and NOT in myself. I can choose to get over myself and take a risk. Risk potentially NOT succeeding. And I can be refined the process. I can be made perfect in grace and mercy and love. I can take a leap and know that if  I fall I will be caught up in unconditional God-love. Not my own putting-the-pieces-of-myself-back-together-exhausting-love. 

So that just turned into kind of a sermon. Moving on now...

What I'm trying to say is that I'm facing fears this year. I face one at the end of this month.

I've always loved group exercise. It really doesn't matter what it is, as long as the music is good, but my soul-mate workout is Turbo Kick. I discovered it in college and have been doing the videos at home for years. Turbo Kick, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire: I love it all and have always though it'd be fun to be an instructor. BUT, that takes time and money and I don't know for sure if I have what it takes. I could look like a fool walking into a training where so many others are already fitness instructors of some type, but you gotta start somewhere right? And I'm giving it a shot on March 30th. I can't decide if I'm more nervous or excited.

There are 2 other fears that I'll save for another day. But one involves going overseas and the other involves a possible expansion of our family. And that's all I'll say about that for now.

What fears are you facing this year?

Mama First

We all wear different hats. We have different roles we play throughout each day, each week. As the Glass City Marathon approaches, my role as a runner has seemed to be a hat that I am putting on more and more. It's taken a hunk of time, for sure. And I've been putting unnecessary pressure on myself to stick with the training plan and follow everything to a T.

I made plans Tuesday morning to meet a new friend and running buddy for a run at 5:30 am. The night before Millie woke several times as her nose was stuffy and snotty. Then finally, at 4:30 am when I tried to put her back in her crib once again she kept crying out to sleep in our bed. I knew my alarm was about to go off in a half an hour, which would wake her. And I HAD to get a run in, especially because I was meeting someone I didn't know very well to run together for the first time. I didn't want to punk-out right off the bat. But the answer was clear. So I texted my early morning running buddy in hopes she would see it before she headed out the door. Then I brought Millie to bed along with some serious resentment.

Faithful running buddy texts back: We're mommies first :o)

All of the sudden my resentment turned to praise. Lord, THANK YOU that I have the ability to comfort my child. (It took her a whole .2 seconds to fall asleep after her head rested on my chest) THANK YOU that I have a child to comfort. THANK YOU that I can lay here until I need to so my sleeping girl can rest.

Why do I need reminded of my motherhood? To be reminded that it's a gift and a privelage? How forgetful I am. Ungrateful even.

Later in the week I had plans to meet a dear friend for lunch. Our get togethers are few and far between so I was especially looking forward to it. She texted me the day before to cancel because her kids, who are now in high school, wanted to get lunch with her that very same day since they were on their spring break from school. I was able to reply, "You're a mother first. Totally get it. ENJOY them!"

And so the freedom of being a mother first was passed on.

I struggle with this every day. It's hard for me to choose playing trains and dolls over doing some very real to-do's. I'm often reminded of a poem I came across in a very timely manner when Asher was a baby. Here's an excerpt:

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
-Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Half-Hearted Motherhood

As I've wrestled with having balance in my  life (see previous post), it's been clear that this take a toll on my mothering. It's been half-hearted. Distracted. Selfish even. Those thoughts have crept into my head and sometimes make them across my lips, "I just want to eat my dinner." "I just want to go to the bathroom (alone)." "I just want to _______." And while these thoughts and comments might seem harmless, it doesn't make my children feel loved and important- which they are. I'm sure it probably throws a tinge of guilt their way because they are the reason I can't "just _____". They're preceptive and can read the resentment in my tone.

So there's a blog that I read from time to time. It is encouraging, enlightening, inspiring and real. The author is about my age with 3 little ones. She is into natural living, the art of homemaking and lives out her faith in the midst of her motherhood. I went there looking for some type of lift. Something to help me feel not so alone and ridiculous. I found it. A guest blogger posted on Whole-Hearted Motherhood. Check out here if you'd like.

But here's an excerpt that resonated in my soul. She quotes another author and then writes:

Her beautiful description of whole-hearted mothering–in contrast to my own messy attempts at being the mom I wished I could be while juggling so many other balls–prompted me to pray a dangerous prayer.

“Lord, change my heart toward my children.”

I wanted to view them not as distractions, mess makers, and cute-but-time-consuming barriers between me and my definitions of success, but as gifts that allowed me to be what I’d always wanted to be: a mother. I wanted them to become my highest priority, and I knew that required heart change, not another set of rules or a new schedule.

It is time for me to pray that prayer as well. Here we go...

Woman of the Future

Time flies.
They grow up so fast.
It all happens in the blink of an eye.
I find these statements to be true. I've only been doing this mothering thing for 3 years now, but I see the truth and reality in what everyone seems to say.

It's not just kids though. Time flies. Period. My heart and my mind have felt caution about this. Caution about busyness I suppose.

When someone asks you, "How are you doing?, does your response include the word busy?
"Good, but busy." "Busier than I'd like!" "Oh, things are busy right now..." 

What's with the epidemic of busyness? Please, someone give me some answers. I battle it all the time. And it bleeds into every part of life. Particularly family, friends and food. Those are 3 areas that I've seen busyness really attack- at least in my life. My relationships seems to take a serious blow when busyness strikes. Even when I'm actually spending time with my friends and family in the midst of busyness, I am not fully present. I am living in the future. The lists are forming in my head and next steps are being plotted. And when I am a woman of the future, I am grievously missing the present.

Fast food. And I'm not just talking McDonalds. I'm talking the loss of a table and chairs and people sitting in them. The loss of REAL food. You know, when time and ingredients are mixed together with love and care and conscience. Planning, purchasing and preparing meals takes time. Sure does. And I'm afraid we don't do those things when we get busy. I'm afraid the health of thousands of people has and will continue to pay the cost for our lack of care because we can't or won't take the time to plan or prepare or even think about what goes into our bodies.

So what's a girl to do? I know as our children get older there will only be more and more opportunities for things to get sucked into do. For me, it begins with a discerning spirit. There's got to be a balance between what I plan and being flexible. I don't want to miss out on something the Lord has for me because it's not written on my calendar. I REALLY don't want that. Would love to hear thoughts, advice, experiences that are out there. Even if it's just an AMEN-I'm with ya.

Words for Mothers

I was just writing out a card to another friend who is about to have a baby. In it, I included a poem that I put in a blog post a while back. When I did a Google search for the author, I came across another poem of the same nature. May I heed its warning.

My hands were busy through the day.
I didn’t have much time to play.
The little games you asked to do,
I didn’t have much time for you.
I’d wash your clothes. I’d sew and cook.
You’d ask and I’d read from your book.
I’d tuck you in all safe at night,
And hear your prayers; turn out the light.

Then tiptoe softly by your door,
I wish I’d stayed a minute more.
For life was short, the years rushed past,
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at my side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away.
There are no longer games to play.

No Teddy Bears or misplaced toys
No sleepovers with lots of boys.
No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear.
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to do.

Anonymous

I'm a Mother

What do you do?

Any of you other stay-at-home (or mostly stay-at-home) Mamas struggle with this from time to time? The question of: "What do you do?" You know, for like, a living? Lately as I've been meeting new neighbors in the hood, I've found myself shying away from this. One time I even found myself answering, "Well, I taught high school for 5 years. Special education... Taught a ninth grade English class for students with learning disabilities. And after I had our son I decided..." What?! First of all, the question was, what DO you do. Currently. Present tense. Not did. Do. If I asked someone that question and they started giving me their resume, I'd raise a brow.

So I think I need to practice it more: I'm a Mother. I'm a Mother. I'm a MOTHER and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Sure I work part-time for Brookside, but I am first and foremost a Mother. Around about 90% of the time, want-to-miss-out-on-as-little-as-humanly-possible-in-my-precious-babies'-lives-Mother. God created this desire in me and put the gifts there too (thank you Jesus for access to your unending patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, whatever I need, when I need it, through your Spirit). I was made for this and I embrace it with all that I have. I'm a Mother. And I'm proud of that. Dammit.

:)

Not Just for Babies

So Asher caught a bug or some type of sickness or is getting more teeth- who knows... But this drippy nosed, low-grade fever man wants "Up Mama" on the regular the past 2 days. This evening I really wanted to be able to serve dinner at a decent hour so I broke out the trusty sling that was Millie's BFF the first few months and still is on occasion. I remembered seeing a YouTube on how to do a hip and back carry with older babies and toddlers. Here is the result:

Babywearing

It may sound silly, but one of my favorite things about having babies has been being able "wear" them around with me. The house, the store, the office, for a walk, etc. It all started with the Moby Wrap. A little complicated to put on, but not too bad once you get the hang of it, and totally worth it once baby is in. I also have a Snugli that someone gave me, similar to the Bjorn, but these things kill my shoulders, even though they are quicker and easier to put on than the Moby. Now with #2, babywearing is essential to get through my day. Don't know how esle I'd get Asher (or myself) some lunch, change his diaper, yada yada. I mean, I could do it without holding the baby if the timing is right and she's napping. Or if I don't mind listeneing to screaming in the background. Don't get my wrong, Mills does have some great quiet, alert time when she just hangs out, but babies like to and need to be held! And not to mention that mommies (and daddies) need to get things done sometimes. Insert babywearing.

My love for babywearing grew this Monday when my dear friend Kelli offered me her sling. I've seen them in magazines and read about them (and their recalls), but I'd never seen anyone wear one. I was surprised how easy it was to put on and get baby into. And the comfort- for her and me! Both arms were free, but my right arm had complete freedom as there was not a strap or anything wrapped to it at all. I've been in love ever since. I did read up on slings and the big recall that happened this past summer. Babies have suffocated in them apparently. But really I think it's just one of those things that was used improperly in those cases or the parents wasn't as aware as they should have been. On the plus side, one study I read said slings were the best type of carriers because they put the least amount of stress on a baby's spine and lower back. Carriers in which baby's legs hang out tend to not support the baby's lower back and spine very well. At least that's what they say. At any rate, I think baby carrying in any fashion is an awesome and convenient way to stay connected to your child and practial for everyday life. Mama's who stared this movement thousands of years ago had the right idea! Love it. Love it. Love it.

Here we are now:




Super cute isn't it? She's pretty zonked cuz it's bedtime, but she does spend some awake time in here too, taking it all in from a front row seat. Millie even got to walk up to Panera today tucked under Mama's coat while Amy pulled Robby and Asher in a wagon through the snowy streets. What an adventure girl!