Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Am Afraid

As most people tend to be around the New Year, I was very contemplative this past December 31st. We were staying at my mom's house so I snuck away to the guest bedroom as the kids were fully occupied in the abundance of their grandparents' love.

I thought. I prayed. I wrote. I tried to write some goals. Some lists. Some things on paper that I should set out to do this year. But I was paralyzed. I realized I was afraid. So afraid. What if I wrote something down that I didn't end up accomplishing? Or worse, what if I wasn't good at what I was setting out to do?

Being a mostly stay-at-home-mom, so much of what I do is maintenance. The day-to-day mundane. I have many goals, but they are very small and very accomplish-able (if that's even a word). Laundry- easy. Dinner- of course. Lots of playing and reading with kiddos- a pleasure! Most of the time it's easy to feel accomplished in this minutia, so I just haven't thought big-picture in the past 4 years since I became a Mama. I think I'm just used to survival mode. If I accomplish 3 things thoughout my day without neglecting my children too much, that's a WIN! 

With that said, stepping out of the things I know I can do and accomplish just plain scares me. And it wasn't until that day that I finally admitted to myself: I. Am. Afraid. 

So what now? Well, I let some tears roll, you can be sure of that. And I kept thinking of a verse in 1 John:
    There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18 NIV
The Message says it like this:
    There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love

Hmmm... So being a 'faidy cat doesn't sound very appealing. 

Am I letting God's love banish my fear? Or am I being crippled?

Am I made perfect in God's love? Or am I not fully formed?

The good news is, I get to choose. I can choose to become well-formed in Christ's love and drive out that fear. I can choose to embrace my imperfections and failures and the fact that I'm NOT God and be made perfect in HIM and NOT in myself. I can choose to get over myself and take a risk. Risk potentially NOT succeeding. And I can be refined the process. I can be made perfect in grace and mercy and love. I can take a leap and know that if  I fall I will be caught up in unconditional God-love. Not my own putting-the-pieces-of-myself-back-together-exhausting-love. 

So that just turned into kind of a sermon. Moving on now...

What I'm trying to say is that I'm facing fears this year. I face one at the end of this month.

I've always loved group exercise. It really doesn't matter what it is, as long as the music is good, but my soul-mate workout is Turbo Kick. I discovered it in college and have been doing the videos at home for years. Turbo Kick, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire: I love it all and have always though it'd be fun to be an instructor. BUT, that takes time and money and I don't know for sure if I have what it takes. I could look like a fool walking into a training where so many others are already fitness instructors of some type, but you gotta start somewhere right? And I'm giving it a shot on March 30th. I can't decide if I'm more nervous or excited.

There are 2 other fears that I'll save for another day. But one involves going overseas and the other involves a possible expansion of our family. And that's all I'll say about that for now.

What fears are you facing this year?