Sunday, March 9, 2014

I Am Afraid

As most people tend to be around the New Year, I was very contemplative this past December 31st. We were staying at my mom's house so I snuck away to the guest bedroom as the kids were fully occupied in the abundance of their grandparents' love.

I thought. I prayed. I wrote. I tried to write some goals. Some lists. Some things on paper that I should set out to do this year. But I was paralyzed. I realized I was afraid. So afraid. What if I wrote something down that I didn't end up accomplishing? Or worse, what if I wasn't good at what I was setting out to do?

Being a mostly stay-at-home-mom, so much of what I do is maintenance. The day-to-day mundane. I have many goals, but they are very small and very accomplish-able (if that's even a word). Laundry- easy. Dinner- of course. Lots of playing and reading with kiddos- a pleasure! Most of the time it's easy to feel accomplished in this minutia, so I just haven't thought big-picture in the past 4 years since I became a Mama. I think I'm just used to survival mode. If I accomplish 3 things thoughout my day without neglecting my children too much, that's a WIN! 

With that said, stepping out of the things I know I can do and accomplish just plain scares me. And it wasn't until that day that I finally admitted to myself: I. Am. Afraid. 

So what now? Well, I let some tears roll, you can be sure of that. And I kept thinking of a verse in 1 John:
    There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18 NIV
The Message says it like this:
    There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love

Hmmm... So being a 'faidy cat doesn't sound very appealing. 

Am I letting God's love banish my fear? Or am I being crippled?

Am I made perfect in God's love? Or am I not fully formed?

The good news is, I get to choose. I can choose to become well-formed in Christ's love and drive out that fear. I can choose to embrace my imperfections and failures and the fact that I'm NOT God and be made perfect in HIM and NOT in myself. I can choose to get over myself and take a risk. Risk potentially NOT succeeding. And I can be refined the process. I can be made perfect in grace and mercy and love. I can take a leap and know that if  I fall I will be caught up in unconditional God-love. Not my own putting-the-pieces-of-myself-back-together-exhausting-love. 

So that just turned into kind of a sermon. Moving on now...

What I'm trying to say is that I'm facing fears this year. I face one at the end of this month.

I've always loved group exercise. It really doesn't matter what it is, as long as the music is good, but my soul-mate workout is Turbo Kick. I discovered it in college and have been doing the videos at home for years. Turbo Kick, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire: I love it all and have always though it'd be fun to be an instructor. BUT, that takes time and money and I don't know for sure if I have what it takes. I could look like a fool walking into a training where so many others are already fitness instructors of some type, but you gotta start somewhere right? And I'm giving it a shot on March 30th. I can't decide if I'm more nervous or excited.

There are 2 other fears that I'll save for another day. But one involves going overseas and the other involves a possible expansion of our family. And that's all I'll say about that for now.

What fears are you facing this year?


Leslie said...

I so hear you... Everyday I. Am. Afraid. Too.

And every day I'm doing my level best to face the fear because I know that God is sufficient so I don’t have to be. Every time I muster up the courage to show up - it’s a win. Even when I miss the mark – I win.

As I watch you face your fear I walk with you knowing that you are so much more than enough. When you muster up the courage to show up - it will be a win. Even if you miss the mark – you win.

colleen said...

i fear having two kids so close together and never sleeping again ever because of it…. And then, not being able to control myself because the effect lack of sleep has on me.

our backyard homestead said...

totally relate as usual Sara! Thanks for sharing your heart and mind! Very encouraging and I am pretty sure anyone that would take your Turbo Kick class would absolutely love it!!! I can't wait to hear more about it! :)

Dear Daughter, said...

You have a beautiful heart and a wise mind. You will be a great turbo kick instructor! Don't let the devil convince you otherwise. xo